Updated: Sunday, July 6, 2008 at 1:37pm
The YCC was given $140,000 dollars for Spring Fling; Wesleyan was given $56,000 for theirs. But Wesleyan is getting a lot more with their dirty liberal arts dollar. Instead of trying to check a whole lot of boxes – like our mix of pop-punk bullshit (Jimmy Eat World), legitimate hip-hop (The Roots), and unattractive/untalented crooning (Sean Kingston) – Wesleyan...
I would like to submit an official request for the shitty version of New Haven to come back. The gray skies heavy with depression, the iced sidewalks claiming victims right and left, the wind that makes me bitch. I would even settle for the urain. I call it urain because isn’t dry but it isn’t cathartic thunderstorm rain either; it just goes on and on, peeing on us...
“I WANT TO WATCH SOME PORN!” declared Kathryn Olivarius, Women’s Center board member and porn virgin. “Google it,” I said. “Google what?” she replied. “Porn,” I told her. Kathryn giddily selected “18 year old French-Canadian slut.” “This is ridiculous,” she laughed. Thirty seconds later she stopped the clip. “I’m not old enough for...
I’m waiting in line at A1 and I’m ordering my usual chicken fingers and fries. Want to know how I stay so skinny? I eat chicken fingers and fries, with BBQ sauce, as often as possible. Everything is fine and it’s loud because it’s College Night on Broadway, and all the stores are packed and I’m annoyed because I don’t like large crowds of people. I’m...
People always get really upset with me when I tell them I’m a vegan. If the topic ever comes up, my admission is almost inevitably met with stares of condescension, rolled eyes and furrowed brows. It makes me feel weak and emasculated, when really all I want is to show my solidarity for animals and let the world know how much I love them. I find that the only time...
Most people are crossing off the days, gleeful as each passing hour brings them one hour closer to summer. Normally, I would be jumping on this bandwagon. I would be driving the four mules dragging the bandwagon, bassoons swaying in the wind! But not this time. Instead, I am the lone patriot, ugly and loyal, clawing desperately at each passing hour. Stay! Just stay a...
Question: I currently do not have a summer job or internship, and it is causing me to wake up in a cold sweat and spontaneously vomit on myself. Am I the only one left who doesn’t have a cubicle with my name on it at Goldman Sachs? Answer: No. God, I hope it’s not just you and me remaining at the bottom of the pit of unemployed despair. I receive those e-mails...
I’m waiting outside this professor’s office in Ann Arbor for a meeting I have with said professor. He is late; I know this because, for the first time in history, I have arrived at a meeting on time. It was purely an accident. But his tardiness does not annoy me, because I’m jamming to “Taper Jean Girl” by Kings of Leon. I’m in skinny grey pants ($50), an...
I’m not an ideal reproductive partner. I’m on crutches. I assumed the opposite sex would interpret my awkward cripple movements as a sign of genetic abnormality — nonviable ovaries and the like. I am the weak of the species. If a wild animal were to chase me, I would certainly not be able to run away with speed. Just like those kids who are allergic to peanuts and...
It’s getting to be that time of year. The groups touring Yale’s campus once again include people who don’t descend from a Chinese-lettered bus en masse. The tour has changed quite a bit since I took it. Silliman’s dining hall now looks like the Titanic BEFORE it sank. Distribution requirements are based on groups with letters, not numbers. Koffee Too named itself...
