Eli Clark
Eli Clark
Recent Stories
Picking a track to follow post-grad
At the tender age of nothing, I was born. I do not remember doing it, but I imagine it was exciting for the people who were waiting for me. I had big googly baby eyes and I smiled and giggled and moved my chubby fingers around to amuse people.
Gotta find some sperm and a broom
Now, my question is: Who gave me the broom? What sick bastard gave me a toy broom for my fourth birthday? I consider Barbies enough of a hint that I should have the breast thing done and start exercising and throwing up, but for God’s sake, a broom? They might as well have given me oven mitts and a Petri dish full of sperm.
To Do: Take a page from this book
The fear has set in. On Saturday, minutes before midnight, I realized that this was my last spring break. Like ever. And that made me think about macaroni and cheese and how I will have to expand my culinary repertoire if I am going to become an adult. It made me think about windows and doors and how people always say that thing about closing one of them and opening another and how that just makes me think that maybe the window’s opening because you’re supposed to jump out of it.
Positioning onself in lucrative love
Valentine’s Day got me thinking: Someday I am going to die. Love is a gruesome, violent and destructive act. The holiday gives most college-aged students the opportunity to act way older and lamer than they actually are, thus reminding me of the sands in the hourglass and my approaching demise.
Will you be My Little Pony Valentine?
Dear Mr. Smith, I have been watching you. I really like your turtlenecks. Especially the purple one. I think I am in love with you. Happy Valentine’s Day, by the way. My hypothesis is that you do not like Valentine’s Day. My observations are: You broke the chalk while writing the word “Love” on the board; and then you threw it on the ground and spat on it.
New Year’s resolution: 5.3 megapixels
The concept of the New Year’s resolution is a conspiracy made up by skinny people to encourage fat people to kill themselves. It’s bad enough that I feel fat; do I have to feel like a quitter too? After three weeks of heavy drinking, eating and merry-making, we start squinting at ourselves cross-eyed in the bathroom mirror hoping that blurry might equal skinny, we start feeling bad about all the casual sex we had in December and start making vows to remain celibate until February, and we sta
Why middle school is like Yale: an essay
If pop rocks were the drugs of elementary school, head lice was the buzz kill.
American values: Co-opt the Indians
Joe Lieberman stinks. He’s like Tonya Harding, but with worse hair. He’s the kid brother at the birthday party who has to get as many gifts as the real birthday boy because he’ll cry if he doesn’t. Joe, it’s not your party. Nobody voted for it to be your party. You’re ruining the party, Joe.
Reckless mooching as a viable lifestyle
Next year, some of you may plan to live in a world of ideas. I hope to live in an apartment. This presents certain problems because it is hard to find apartments in the world that are free.
Internships or slavery, take your pick
Each day that passes marks another day that someone I know has gotten a job. I mark these jobs on my calendar so that when I finally decide to take the plunge, I won’t wimp out because I will, by then, have plenty of reasons to kill myself.