John Phillips
John Phillips
Recent Stories
Graduating seniors step onto their bully pulpit one last time
It's difficult for me to offer any sort of retrospective regarding my triumphant, white-knuckled thrill-ride with the Yale Daily News. Half of the articles I wrote never even got printed, as they were shot down at the last second by some mysterious...
Here's why I hate McDonald's
I'm never going to McDonald's again in my life. I hate the place. I'd rather eat sawdust and shoe leather like a stranded sailor and die of mania and scurvy. I've been trying to pinpoint exactly why I detest the place so much, because it's not just...
The shameless commercialization of patriotism
I've always believed that you can gauge the economic prosperity of a country not by its Gross Domestic Product, but by whatever object the 9-year old children of that country use to play soccer. In America, our children are lucky enough to use actual...
If you copulate, chimps of Jersey, don't populate
Think about life's major steps for a moment -- college, graduate school, job interviews, credit cards, buying a house, sex change -- all of these things involve some sort of application process that ensures the legitimacy of the candidates.
Reconciling my fate with German Expressionism
Lately you might have noticed several people wandering around campus with a blank stare casting from their bemused eyes, their lifeless bodies droning like phantoms from class to class, their faces radiating a general sense of malaise. No, these are...
Hey Leftists: Better start waving that American flag
I've never been to California in my life. In fact, my only West Coast experience was a river-rafting trip in Idaho -- hardly the world Tupac Shakur so vividly portrayed in his works. So when I think of California, I still envision it, as I'm sure many...